inhonorofmymom.com

11
Jun 11

Random Emotions – Doubt, Worry, Guilt

I’m fired up and detached today. Why? It’s been a tough (emotional) week.

One of those weeks that you want to scream, run, sit, kick ass, do nothing, smile, frown, and become the definition of a paradox. Sometimes it feels like life is beating the _____ out of you.

It’s like trying to sprint in quicksand.

Internally we deal with these conflicts and random thoughts. Times like this makes me re-realize that pain may be invisible but it’s impossible to hide the scars.

Maybe it’s this, maybe it’s that…

Maybe it’s the vivid recollections that my mind conjures up when things happen, both good and not so good, causing a perfect storm of gut-wrenching and that tingly feeling that you get in your head when you’re either mad, sad, angry, or (temporarily) defeated.

After sitting for a while this morning I have decided to stare at this computer screen and type. Let my thoughts flow through my fingers with the hopes of a release of some of this pent up emotion and energy, whether it be positive or negative energy.

“Something’s got to give,” is all I could think.

When inspiration starts to dry up and motivation wanes, well something has to happen. Often times sitting in quiet helps, but then it makes you go crazy. Another paradox.

Writing, reading, running, exercising, and music all help to release these random energies. Albeit temporarily.

Once these energies are released they slowly begin to build back up inside the mind and body. It can be a vicious cycle if you don’t continue to release these emotions and energies by: Writing, reading, running, exercising, and listening to music.

The voice that we all have inside our heads can run rampant at times. Thoughts, self-imposed doubts, questions, guilt, gratitude, the to-do list, and on and on and on and on….it can be Read the rest of Random Emotions – Doubt, Worry, Guilt

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25
May 11

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Finding Clarity in Chaos

Hi Everyone, hello world. Michael here with some random thoughts and feelings on how to find clarity during chaotic times. Times when everything seems overwhelming, times when you want to scream.

Talking to Myself

It’s been up and down and I find myself talking to myself in my head. It gets to a point when I have to get it out, and “talking to myself” and sharing through writing is all I know how to do.

My mind often flashes back to last October, November, and December when my Mom was still fighting – battling. I feel the same feelings that I felt when this was happening. At times, it can be extremely overwhelming. Scary in fact.

In a word: Chaos. Mental and Emotional Chaos.

It’s like a battle trying to restore my mind and thoughts to some form of clarity. Some form a clear-headed thinking. Basically, a sense of calm.

What do I do to find some sense of clarity in chaos? What do I do when my mind craves clarification (answers) and my emotions flow chaotically?

It’s like an internal World War.

I listen to music, head outside and breathe deeply, I workout and exercise, I read, I cry, I move. Moving my body frees my emotions. It’s built up emotional energy that needs to be released. And this is why a release is needed to clarify.

Working out, walking, jogging, sprinting, crying, and breathing are all forms of movement and are all forms of emotional release. Without exercise my mind would literally explode.

This is what you do as quickly as possible when you feel overwhelmed, when you feel your mind wandering into an emotionally devastating and chaotic state: MOVE.

Move your body, cry while you move, yell if you need to, and just release some energy. It may seem like, “What’s the point,” and I know what you mean. I have and still say that to myself. When my Mom was sick it was eating my body and mind horribly, like a flesh eating virus. I didn’t feel like moving, but I did.

There is no other choice. Move. Do it. Just move.

Movement will shift your emotions and at the very least, tire you out a bit.

Remember this: There are no rules. Do what you feel. Do the best you can. We have this one life, do not waver and take care of yourself and those that are closest to you.

I miss my Mom so much. I will move for her, I will not sit still and let the remnants of the horrible disease called “cancer” rip my heart out of my chest…even though it metaphorically has been ripped out. My heart now beats for the hope of my Mom, for the hope of her peace. (an aside: I will never capitalize the “c” in cancer. Words that have true hope and meaning deserve to be capitalized, such as: Mother)

I yearn for a sign that she is peaceful, as I know many of you do to. I don’t know, we don’t know, but we believe somehow. But even though I (we) may believe, she (they) are still gone, the hurt continues to run deep. To flow through my veins.

Even though the pain is invisible, it’s impossible to hide the scars.

To my Mom and the best to all of those who’ve lost loved ones or are dealing with cancer,
Michael

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14
May 11

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Thoughts and Ideas of Hope

So many times on the weekend when things quiet down and the to-do list becomes irrelevant, I find myself and my mind wandering. A slideshow of memories, both good and bad, flow through my mind with a sort of quiet chaos.

I find myself seated and flipping through things. And while flipping through a guidebook that Laura got my Mom when she was sick with cancer, I read some ideas and thoughts that I had read 6 months ago. But now with a varying perspective.

A perspective similar to that of an airplane. Have you ever been on a plane, looked out the window, and wondered why we take daily nonsense so seriously when it looks so small from up above…on the plane?

I have.

Anyway, here are some thoughts and ideas from, “The Spirit of Hope,” and from my mind:

*Through challenges we grow braver, become stronger, emerge more confident than ever*

*Courage is doing what you must when doing what you must is the hardest thing of all*

*Hope quietly abides in our souls and whispers comfort on our journeys when we need it most*

*Here’s something I think about whenever it rains and whenever people ‘whine’ about the rain: The rain is now and will forever be teardrops from the sky, teardrops from my Mom. I will embrace the rain for what it is, and not let it change how I feel or what mood I’m in.*

*Hope is the belief in things unseen*

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Thanks for listening as I continue to talk 2 myself,
Michael

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Here’s a picture of me on Saturday, May 7, 2011 in Vermont during my 1st Tough Mudder event. There were many times that I looked up at the sky toward my Mom for strength to complete this 10-mile challenge…For Her and dedicated to Her.